My daughters broken Heart

We had to get rid of my daughters cats. The 2 cats would not stop using the bathroom inside no matter what I tried. One cat liked to pee inside the closets or if all the closet doors were closed she would find a place behind something. The other cat had a favorite spot in the corner of the living room.  I would clean the carpet as soon as I discovered they had used the bathroom but the smell started to get bad inside the house.    I tried letting them outside as much as possible to help cut down on their accidents but it didn't help. 

   My husband bought new wood flooring for the house, we were finally going to get rid of that 1970s shag carpet.  I was so excited about the flooring then came the bad news... We have to get rid of the cats first. For months the flooring has sat stacked on my carport for months my husband has kept his word... I am not putting this flooring in until the cats are  gone. 

     A guy that he worked with wanted the cats to live on his farm and help keep the rodents out of his barn.  This was the best option for 2 grown cats so we agreed to allow him to take the cats. Little did I know just how horrible this would be for my daughter........

   

 

She is so heart broken and I do not not know how to help her understand.   My own heart breaks every time I look at her face and see her blood shot eyes.  She may never forgive me for this.   When she looks at me I know that she is hating me and I cant take it . I was supposed to protect her from this kind of pain. She trusted me to never let anyone hurt her and yet I failed to do that today.   I never want her heart to be broken again but sadly I know that this moment is just the beginning.  There is no feeling worse than knowing your child is hurting in a way you can not kiss away.

    I would be lying if I didn't say That I didn't hate my husband right now.  He was the one who made choice  arranged it all and gave the final demand that the cats must go and yet he is not the one sitting here with a broken hearted sobbing little girl in his lap.   He is patting himself on the shoulder thinking how proud he is of himself for standing his ground . He thinks he is a man but all I see when I look at him is a coward .   He should be the one comforting his daughter. He should be feeling guilty for breaking her heart.  

    If breaking my daughters heart can change how I look at my own husband a man I have been with for 17 years A man that I forgave for breaking my own heart  how will I feel when some random jackass teenager breaks her heart?   How will I control my own emotions enough to help her through?  Will I sit there sobbing right beside her like I am now?   How do I tell her that the worst feeling she has ever had will happen again and again in her life?   How do I tell her that loving something means you accept all the pain that might come along with it one day.

     I don't know what to say except I am sorry.  Inside my own heart is torn apart and I want to hate someone so much.    I want to say fuck you as I walk out to go get her cat back.  I want to say I don't give a shit about smells or floors I just want my daughter to be happy again.... I want her cats back!!!

SCHOOL BUS

    What if he gets left behind?    What if he gets lost?  What if he gets on the wrong bus?   What if he hears the older kids talking?
         My husband couldn't understand why I didn't want our son riding the bus. To be honest the only reason was because  I wanted to take him to school everyday to be on first name bases with all his teachers and I wanted to join the PTO .  I was going to be " that Mom" ! 
           I took him to school everyday and everyday he cried his little heart out.   I would spend all day wondering how long he cried for me and feeling like crap for leaving him.    .
     Every day of kindergarten I walked him to class with his little brother asleep in my arms and everyday I would have to get someone to peal him off my leg and walk away as he cried for me.  
  During the summer  between kindergarten  and first grade not only did I find myself pregnant with my third child The school changed administrators.   The first day of school I was greeted at the door like many other parents with the news that we would no longer be allowed to walk our children to class.  We were giving 2 weeks to adjust then we must drop our kids off in the car rider line.    My son cried everyday of those 2 weeks.    On the third week of school I drove through the car rider line and fought my son out of the car as he begged me not to leave him.  Worried about him being so upset I drove around the school  and walked in.  I found my first grader  standing in the 5th grade hall scared and crying.    The car rider line came in on different side than he was used to and he got lost.    I left him in his class room crying with hopes that one day it would get easier.  On my way out of the school I was approached by the new vice principle who very sternly reminded me of their new policy.   I tired to explain to him what had happen but he wasn't listening.
      The next morning My son refused to get out of the car in the car rider line. He cried repeatedly telling me he was scared and didn't think he could remember his way to class.    I pulled around to the front and with My first grader at my side,  my sleeping toddler in my arm and a great big pregnant belly I walked into the school.   I walked right past the office where the vice principle came running out.   He followed me closely all the way down the hall and the more he yelled about rules the faster I walked.  Once I reached my sons class room I bent down and kissed my crying son and told him I would see him in the afternoon but before my son could protest the vice principle grabbed me by my free arm and jerked me around  yelling that I had to leave the school right now.  My son went hysterical grabbing for me The vice asswipe went to grab my son. I screamed loudly enough to wake my sleeping toddler in my arms " YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME OR MY CHILD"      I was escorted out of the school  and the law was called.
                           I wrote a letter to the editor of the news paper about my experience and my frustration with the schools lack of help or concern. I thought I would receive support from other parents but I was very wrong.    A few days after my letter was posted in the paper I was approached by another parent and asked if I had been reading the online comments about my letter.  I went online to find 3 pages of comments .   "Time to cut the apron strings"  " Another jail inmate in the making " " who does the mother think she is?"  " should have had her arrested "   " Guess who will have a 30 year old kid living in their basement"    I broke down and cried as I read the comments .  This was back before facebook,  before trolls or the perfect mom groups.  This was people in my community, my neighbors , the other parents I talked to everyday,  people I have never met and they were all bashing me.     I kept my son home from school for a day or two because I didn't know what to do or how to face all the other parents.
    When my son returned to school we had an agreement I would walk him to the front doors of the school but I couldn't come into the school or I would get into trouble .  I stood right outside the front doors with Vice asshole standing right on the other side watching me.  My son cried and begged me to stay with him or take him with me.   At some point his teachers assistant started meeting me at the front door and taking my son with her  to help me out. ( thank you !)  He would still cry all the way to school and all the way to the front doors but he would willing go with the assistant . She was so great and would say things like Lets go eat some breakfast why mommy goes and gets ready for your baby sister. This woman done what nobody else would do.. she helped me! 

                           My daughter was born in January and it was just to hard and cold to try to drag a baby and toddler out every morning and afternoon.  As much as I didn't want to I asked my son what he thought about riding the school bus for a little while. I was so worried about him crying or not wanting to get on or off the bus but it was supposed to be a temporary  thing just until it got a little warmer and the baby got a little older, 1 month maybe 2.   My son got on the school bus that morning without shedding 1 single tear and when he got off the bus in the afternoon he was full of stories.   He had made a buddy on the bus and some kid got into trouble for chewing gum. It was like some kind of adventure to him.  That evening he said Mom I want to ride the bus forever.  My son has rode the bus ever since and never cried again    When  the other two started school I took them the first day just because they have all those boxes of tissues and hand sanitizer they have to carry,  After that they rode the bus.     

               
      I like so many other parents was scared to death of letting my kids ride the school bus, but I learned that this is a great time for kids to grow.  In school kids are giving less and less time to be social and make friends . The bus is now where this happens . Its the only time the kids have to talk and learn other things besides common core .   The bus is where my son heard about sex ( sort of) Its where my daughter heard that the tooth fairy  wasn't real. Its where my middle son heard that jenny broke up with Adam because he was sitting next to Heather at lunch. Its where my daughter heard a Drake song for the first time.  All of these things are part of growing up well except the Drake song.  My kids heard it from friends just like I did as a kid and they came asking me questions just like I did my mom.   
      Parents are now quick to tell you how horrible of a mother you are for putting your kids on the school bus.   These are the parents who spend 45 minutes in the car rider line while I am sitting at home drinking wine playing on Facebook.    The same parents who told me that I needed to cut the apron strings just a few years ago. 
   The bus saved me and my son and I will never feel guilty for doing something that works best for my family!  
   
 
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                           For the record 
 800 kids are killed annually during school transportation but less than 2% are bus passengers . 
The nationwide safety record For the 25 million children who do not ride the bus everyday to and from school is
     448 fatalities in passenger vehicles with a teenage driver
     169 fatalities in a passenger vehicle with an adult driver
      131 fatalities to pedestrians
     
       
   for children who ride the bus everyday to and from school
      5 passenger fatalities
15  pedestrian fatalities at bus stops